Scared to Death

Many people have some phobia whether it be heights, or swimming, or spiders. It’s been pointed out to me that I am quite fearless in essence and yet afraid of everything. This probably doesn’t make sense what so ever, so allow me to elaborate. I love standing on the edge of a balcony 40 stories up, but I won’t ride a Ferris wheel. I love speeding down the highway as fast as my car will let me go but I freak out when I’m the passenger in a speeding car. If I see a spider around odds are I’ll pick it up, but if a spider crawls on to me on it’s own free will it will probably be flicked across the room.
I have a huge problem with being out of control of my own body or situation. No, this is not where I reveal to you that my phobia is a trust thing. My phobia is dying; the only way that I don’t live in a corner of my bedroom is by having as much control over my life as I can. I’ve been told many times that having an irrational fear of dying is very unhealthy, and I understand that, but I’ve got my reasons.
1. I could die before I’m ready
2. I could have a painful death
3. The people I leave behind could be very emotionally damaged
4. The people I leave behind could not care at all
5. I could have a very prolonged death
6. I could have a short death and not say my goodbyes
7. I could die alone
8. I could have no one show up at my funeral
9. There could be no after life and everything would just end for me
10. There could be an after life and I’d have to be me forever
I think my reasons are valid. I don’t think death is an uncommon fear. I guess people are just surprised that I have such a wild and free spirit in some ways and such a guarded and afraid being in others. The bottom line is, amusement rides break, people get in car accidents, spiders can be poisonous. I trust in a basic sense as in I trust that people are generally good at heart and I trust that people won’t lie to me. I don’t, however, trust a roller coaster to not collapse, or a driver to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid a deer, or a venomous spider to land on my shoulder and not bite me. I need control to be fearless; without control I am scared to death of dying.

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